


Hands Shaking, Heart Pounding

by kittensmctavish



Category: Buzzfeed Multiplayer (Web Series), In Control with Kelsey (Web Series)
Genre: Don't copy to another site, F/F, Feelings Realization, Femslash, Femslash February, First Kiss, First Time, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, Requited Love, Simulacra, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 00:41:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17950310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmctavish/pseuds/kittensmctavish
Summary: “Ever feel like you could lie to yourself so much you end up lying to others?”Or: Kelsey plays a video game and realizes some things.(Written for Femslash February.)





	Hands Shaking, Heart Pounding

**Author's Note:**

> so rarebuzzships on tumblr is doing "buzzfeed femslash february" and i've been watching LP's of "simulacra" recently and then my brain was all "two great tastes that taste great together!" so this is the result of that.
> 
> (also no, kelsey's opinions of "simulacra" totally don't reflect my own opinions of "simulacra", what ever would give you that impression.) :P
> 
> i'm...still REALLY not great at writing spiciness so...i tried. sort of. i'll let you be the judge.

Kelsey doesn’t really know what to expect from “Simulacra”.

She doesn’t know much about it, going into the new livestream for Buzzfeed Multiplayer. It’s a horror game—specifically, a found phone game (a fairly new subgenre)—and it’s just over a year old.

…okay, so she has SOME idea of what to expect from “Simulacra”. That is, getting scared. Which…yeah, the game is very very good at throwing her off.

The game’s sound design is INSANELY good, Kelsey learns as she plays. Breathing, gasping, knocking on a door, the click of high heels…if Kelsey wasn’t on set for a livestream and nowhere near the only door to set, she probably would have gotten up to check the door to see if anyone was there.

The visual scares are also right up there with their effectiveness. Some jumpscares are more obvious and of the screamer variety—loud sound accompanied by some sort of body horror image. Some jumpscares spring from more innocuous things—receiving a call, matching with someone on Spark. And some scares are…not more subtle, per se…but Kelsey ADORES the touch of Anna’s phone background—a photo of herself—changing through the game (beginning with Anna looking down, then looking up after one phone reset, and finally smiling at the player…it’s SO CREEPY).

But the thing that throws Kelsey off the most—not in a jumpscare way, or an unsettling way—is the interactions with Anna’s best friend, Ashley.

Most of the characters in the game are…well, Kelsey would prefer to hurl them into the nearest dying star. Especially Greg and his whiny, entitled, AWFUL excuse of a boyfriend-ness. (A close second is Murv, and you can bet Kelsey has no hesitation in reporting the slimeball to HR for harassment, consequences be darned.) (Taylor…he’s a decent singer, but he seems more concerned with finding Anna so he can ask her out rather than out of genuine concern.)

Anyway, Kelsey has to interact with Ashley in the guise of Anna, so Ashley never cottons to Anna having gone missing.

If this were real life, Kelsey would feel so So SO wrong about doing this…

…but she’s already distracted by what’s already been established of Anna and Ashley’s relationship. In their previous chats, and the few photos of them in the phone.

The game establishes that Anna and Greg are/were dating, but from looking at the photos, Anna seems much closer to Ashley than Greg. They seem much more physically comfortable with each other, if they’re going to be that close to each other in pictures.

And what throws Kelsey off (which she hopes doesn’t show on the stream) is the number of photos in her own phone with very similar body language. Of her and YB. Out on the town, leaning in for a selfie. Pressing bodies together to fit into frame, wrapping an arm around her waist to bring her closer, faces cheek to cheek…

…not to mention the one video on Vloggr where Anna talks about Ashley—the tone in her voice when she smiles to the camera and says “Ashley is so adorable…we were on the phone for hours and I only said, like, two words…and like a good bestie, I sat through the entire thing.” The fond little quiet laugh at the end of that sentence. The follow-up of “I don’t know what it is about her and guys…she’s always…I dunno, self-conscious about it?”

There’s some more she says about Greg, which Kelsey tunes out…partly because it’s about GREG and he’s the worst, but also because…how many conversations have she and YB had like that, both on either side at different times in their friendship?

Anyway, pretending to be Anna to fool Ashley…it’s easier than Kelsey expects. Try not to be too over the top, try not to be too suspicious (and don’t choose the options where you can tell Ashley that you’re not Anna). The first conversation, she needs to find out Anna’s favorite movie to progress plotwise. So…Kelsey chooses the casual route. Proposes a girl’s night. Ice cream and her favorite movie.

(She swears…she’s had this EXACT conversation with YB.) (She wonders if girl’s nights for them end up like girl’s nights with YB—cuddling under blankets while watching some corny movie, sharing popcorn, YB resting her head in Kelsey’s lap, Kelsey running her fingers through her soft hair as YB sighs contentedly…)

A sigh in her right ear jolts her out of the internal reverie and back to the game.

She does her best, but after a conversation about a missing watch, Ashley’s leaving a voice message saying that Anna sounds off. Reassures Anna/Kelsey with “You can tell me anything…you know that, right? No matter what, I’ll still be here. Okay?”

(How many times has she said that to YB? Has YB assured her of the same?)

Then the first phone reboot, with the restored conversations…one chunk, Ashley asks Anna to hang out with her…and then…flirting…Kelsey’s not sure of it at first; to be fair, something like “I am hotter than your cultural commentary” is the kind of joking thing she and YB say to each other all the time. But then Ashley asks Anna to be her date (“We’ll get pretty and we’ll go out on the town.”)

And the next morning, Ashley leaves a voice message that boils down to “Ignore all of that, I was so drunk last night”. Which…is fair. And…again…sort of familiar.

Not in the sense that Kelsey and YB text each other stupid things while drunk. Rather…when they’re out dancing, at happy hour, have maybe one too many…there’s been more than one night where they’ve danced…maybe a little too close. Goodbye hugs last a little too long. Tipsy conversations in the back of Lyfts get maybe a little too serious to be jokingly flirty, and looks in eyes spark with momentary heat. Goodbye kisses pressed to cheeks that linger too long, brush too close to lips…

…and the next morning…”Sorry. One too many. Just…please forget anything I may have done last night that was too much.”

…in retrospect, it’s a little frustrating. Because Kelsey hasn’t forgotten. And maybe doesn’t want to…

(CAN’T forget, if the odd dream or two she’s had about such nights is any indication.) (She feels her face flush, prays her face isn’t turning red on the stream.)

…or maybe she’s just looking too much into the game, for things that aren’t there. Is projecting on to characters in a video game.

She’s distracted enough by nonsense going down between Greg (who continues to prove himself to be the worst) and Taylor (who’s more sympathetic but still…not the best) before Ashley messages again. About a guy she’d met at a club and apparently gotten along with, but didn’t feel a connection.

“Am I too picky? Is there smthing wrong wit me?”

…again, how many times has YB commiserated to Kelsey about the exact same thing? Has SHE commiserated about the exact same thing while leaning on YB’s shoulder?

And how many times has YB wrapped her arms around Kelsey in a tight hug, whispering that there’s nothing wrong with her…she’s perfect the way she is… How many times has Kelsey taken YB’s face in her hands to look her in the eye when she says if they can’t see her for who she is, for how wonderful she is, there’s something wrong with them…not her…

…so what else can Kelsey do but respond to Ashley with “I love you just the way you are”? Smile at the response of “:) love you too”?

A quick rapping on the window in her left ear. Moment over. Plot continues.

Phone reboots again, more conversations restored, Kelsey reports Murv the Perv for harassment, and Greg is still the worst.

(Dying star. Tickets to the dying star for all the men in this game.) ([Except for that guy on Jabbr who ate an entire pizza in five minutes.](https://kittensmctavish.tumblr.com/post/176994300884/i-think-we-all-know-whos-the-true-hero) That guy…he’s not the hero “Simulacra” deserves, but he’s the hero “Simulacra” needs.)

Kelsey saves Ashley’s restored messages for last as she catches up on what was restored. Ashley offers to make Anna a profile on Spark—an offer Anna is hesitant to accept, but does (obviously, based on all the Spark usage up to this point). After a few days in the timeline, Anna mentions having met a guy, to which Ashley seems politely curious.

…okay, so Kelsey didn’t CREATE a Tinder profile for YB…but they DID help each other out while putting them together. Choosing photos, coming up with their profiles. There’ve been a few nights where they’ve split a bottle of wine and swiped on people, reading aloud particularly entertaining blurbs from profiles that entertained them.

YB had said offhandedly, “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if you popped up on my Tinder? Or if I popped up on yours?” Kelsey remembers pausing a bit too long before joking, “Well, swipe left, obviously” but there was a moment where she thought “Yeah…what would be the odds of that happening?” …and it didn’t really seem all that funny…actually…maybe she’d hoped that would happen?

She’s got a sneaking feeling, though, that she’ll be deleting Tinder, along with any and all other dating app data, from her phone as soon as she gets home tonight, if the game keeps going in the direction she thinks it’s going.

Whatever’s going on with this James guy that Anna supposedly met up with, it’s engrossing enough to distract Kelsey from thinking about…well…everything else…

…until Ashley messages with “Can we talk?”

And then Ashley mentions Anna’s Spark profile, and how making it for Anna made her realize some things…about it being a defense mechanism for something.

“Ever feel like you could lie to yourself so much you end up lying to others?”

Kelsey pauses…possibly stops breathing for a second…prompts Ashley with “You’re not alone to feel that way” (she’s really not, on SO many different levels). Ashley talks about how Anna is the only best friend she’s ever had, and how she feels like she could tell Anna anything, trust her with anything (“Aww Ashley”), but she thinks she may have confused “best friend” feelings with something else. Kelsey feels her head spin, and she tries to keep her voice steady as she reads aloud all of Ashley’s next messages.

How Ashley thinks she figured out why she couldn’t ever find a guy, or why she REALLY hated seeing Anna go out with Greg (apart from him being the actual worst). And then…

“I. HAVE. FEELINGS. FOR YOU. There I said it!”

…Kelsey’s played a LOT of games that have made her heart pound and her hands shake. And in yet another horror game…THIS is the moment that instills that reaction in her.

Because there it is, isn’t it?

Every other parallel, every other moment where Kelsey could see herself and YB in these two women…

…that’s it, isn’t it?

And when she looks back on everything now, as wave after wave of realization rushes over her, it all makes so much sense, and she wonders how she never saw it before. How she could lie to herself for so long.

She almost wants to cry. Feels tears spring to her eyes when Ashley tells Anna to just ignore this if she wants (“It’s the 4th glass talking so don’t listen to it”).

And the next prompt…

In any other game, she wouldn’t. In real life, she wouldn’t. She’s not Anna. Her playable character isn’t even Anna, for Pete’s sake.

…but there’s enough evidence in Anna’s photos with Ashley, in the way she talks about Ashley and to Ashley…even if the fact that Spark suggests men AND women to her…

It’s all enough for Kelsey to respond with “I feel the same about you, Ash”. Followed shortly by “Those times I said I love you, I meant it”.

Because she did. She does. She always will.

And Ashley is…her reaction causes Kelsey to press a hand to her heart as the messages pop up, hand moving to cover her mouth at the picture Ashley sends and her beautiful, bright smile.

And if she’s close to tears from all of that…then Ashley’s voice message comes.

“Hey…sorry, I know we just spoke and…um…I just want to say thanks. It’s just…lying to you and myself for so long…sometimes I can’t tell the difference between me and…ME…anymore. I just…have this fear that if I told you the truth, you’ll be gone or…worse…you will look at me as though you can’t recognize me. …but…you’re still here…and…I’m so happy…I’ll see you soon.”

It’s that last bit. Everything about lying to herself was already hitting at Kelsey’s heart, but the end of the message… “You’re still here…and…I’m so happy.” Kelsey can HEAR the smile in Ashley’s voice, and that’s what makes the tears come.

She apologizes to the stream. She doesn’t really know why she’s crying.

She takes a moment to gather herself…she’s gotta be close to the end of the game by this point…she can soldier through and then let all of this crash over her again later.

Good thing the game’s climax is one HELL of a thing to bite her nails through. Trying to lure James out creating a Spark profile with Ashley’s name and picture. James’ fate. The slow somewhat subtle reveal of the Simulacra. Its VOICE…like, it’s very obviously inspired by SHODAN, but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying. Not to mention trying to play a battle of wits with it, doing her save to save both Anna and Taylor. Because for all she’s said Taylor can occupy the dying star with Greg and Murv, dying at the hands of the Simulacra…or becoming the next James or Simulacra or whatever…that’s a fate too cruel even for Taylor. (Even if he IMMEDIATELY tries to ask Anna out for coffee in the end—an offer than results in a prompt “What is wrong with you?” look from Anna.)

A long afternoon. A draining afternoon. But it’s extremely gratifying to walk out having gotten the best ending on her first run.

***

Kelsey’s able to go home after the stream.

(Well…after taking photos for the thumbnail for the Buzzfeed video. A series of three photos. Her looking down. Her looking up. Her smiling. A la Anna in the background images on the phone.)

So Kelsey finds herself sitting on her couch, staring at her phone, a glass of wine standing sentinel on the coffee table.

She reaches for the phone, hesitates, moves towards the glass instead to take another sip. (At the rate she’s done this, she’ll need a refill.)

Memories keep hitting her in waves, not unlike the phone restores in the game. Comparisons between Anna and Ashley’s friendship…relationship…and all the parallels…too many parallels…too many possibilities…too many feelings…

She downs the last dregs of wine in her glass before picking up her phone. Her hands shake, heart pounds, as YB’s phone rings. She doesn’t know if she wants YB to pick up or not. Lets out a breath when YB’s voicemail begins, pushes hair back from her face, presses the back of her hand against her flushed face as the line beeps.

“Hey, um…it’s me…Kelsey…um…” She exhales, a quick sigh. “So, I don’t know if you saw the stream…I did a livestream for the Multiplayer channel today, and, um…there were some things in it that…it made me realize some things…and…” She sighs again, bracing herself as she cuts to the chase.

“I’m in love with you.”

She pauses.

“Sorry, I just…it’s a big thing and…maybe I should’ve told you in person, waited until you picked up, not…left a message, but…I dunno, the game’s really sticking with me and I just needed to tell you just in case…I don’t know, something happened…stupid, I know, but…I can’t lie to myself anymore, and I can’t lie to you, so yeah. I love you…am in love with you…think I have been for a while…sorry for not realizing sooner…for…springing this on you, but…yeah.”

A pause.

“I’m gonna hang up now. I’ll talk to you soon. …I love you.”

She ends the call. Phone hits the couch with a gentle plop. She runs her hands through her hair and sighs. Allows herself to feel stupid.

Stupid for just confessing and possibly ruining a perfectly good friendship.

Stupid for not seeing it sooner.

Stupid for all the moments she’d brushed off with a “huh…weird” that were actually major clues regarding how she really felt for YB. All the little thoughts she’d dismissed with the excuse of alcohol.

…Kelsey doesn’t curse. She never swears, not online, not in streams, not in videos, not if she can help it.

That said, there is only one word in her mind at the moment, that word being:

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

She’s SO fucking stupid.

Like…it’s definitely not platonic to see your best friend’s bare shoulder and feel a flicker of temptation to lean over and kiss it. Or to pause and feel your face heat up when your best friend lets out a rather indecent moan because what she’s eating at the moment is just that good. Or to watch your friend eating a peach and feel like you need to leave because the sight of her chasing a drop of juice running down her arm with her tongue, or sucking the fruit off the stone, or reaching for a napkin because her mouth and chin are shiny with peach juice…

…and it’s DEFINITELY not platonic for these kinds of thoughts to follow you into dreams. Dreams that…okay, ONE dream like that is an oddity. Two is a fluke. Any more than that, even if they’re not nightly, not in any form of consistency…

Kelsey’s a young woman. A young single woman. A young single woman with…needs. She owns some…tools to help with those needs, she won’t lie. And yet, for all the effectiveness they boast to claim…

There was a night, she remembers waking up from a dream. She doesn’t remember all the details, just that there was her, and there was YB and her mouth and her sighs and her fingers and her moans, and Kelsey woke up aching, barely even needing to touch herself before she was coming harder than anything she’s bought had ever made her come.

She flushes at the memory, another “so fucking stupid” echoing in her mind.

She’s a fucking idiot for thinking that was a fluke…the result of too much alcohol…

A knock at the door makes her jump and (embarrassingly) scream. Aftershock from the game (she’s gonna be a jumpy paranoid mess at the slightest little noises for the next week or so). She stands up, tiptoes to the door, looks through the peephole.

YB.

She unlocks and opens the door to let her in.

“Hey…everything okay? I heard you scream,” YB asks as Kelsey closes the door. Kelsey thinks she hears a tremble in YB’s voice, but she isn’t certain.

“Yeah, just…a little jumpy from the game,” Kelsey says as casually as she can. “It was…”

“Did you mean it?”

Kelsey pauses at YB’s question.

“Your message. Did you mean it?”

There is something hinting at desperation in YB’s voice, her eyes, her face.

“I…” Kelsey falters as she feels herself sober up VERY quickly from the wine. Takes a breath. “Yes. Yes, I did.”

“Can you say it again, please?”

“What?”

“What you told me. In the message. I…I need to hear you say it again.”

“Um…I don’t remember everything I said exactly—”

“That’s okay, just…that one part.”

Kelsey feels like she could have an idea of where this is going…she doesn’t dare to hope. But she looks at her friend, her beautiful friend, bangs swept to the side of her face, hesitant smile, shining eyes… Her heart pounds, hands shake, as she confesses again, in person:

“I’m in love with you.”

It comes out in a whisper, a breath. And YB takes her breath again with the widening smile, the little tearful laugh.

“I’m in love with you, too.”

It’s Kelsey’s turn to slowly smile, to laugh, as YB steps closer, throws her arms around Kelsey, squeezes her so tight that she wouldn’t be able to breathe, had the declaration not stolen her breath already. One arm goes around YB’s waist, the other around her shoulders, hand at the back of YB’s neck as they laugh, maybe cry a little. YB pulls away enough to press a kiss to the side of Kelsey’s face, laughing as she does, peppering Kelsey’s face with kisses, as her lips brush against a laughing Kelsey’s.

It takes the two of them a few tries, a few moments to calm down the giggling, before their lips properly meet. Warm. Soft. So so sweet.

Kelsey pulls away for a brief moment, not too far away, to whisper another “I love you” against YB’s lips before capturing them in another kiss. YB’s hands move up to Kelsey’s neck as she gently, almost shyly, brushes her tongue against the seam of Kelsey’s lips, like she’s chasing the last bit of wine Kelsey had drunk earlier. Kelsey opens her mouth to her, pulls YB closer, as close as she can, as the kiss deepens. One of YB’s hands tangles into Kelsey’s hair, the other trailing down, brushing against the curve of her breast. A small sound escapes Kelsey at the feeling, YB breaking the kiss, breath hot against Kelsey’s lips.

“I’ve been in love with you for so long…” YB whispers. “So stupidly long…”

“I think I always have been…just took me a while to realize…”

There’s more Kelsey could say, wants to say, probably should say, but right now, all she really wants to do is kiss her friend (best friend crush girlfriend love of her life) again.

Which she does. And they do. And continue to do, stumbling towards Kelsey’s bedroom.

Her hands shake and heart pounds as they fumble with hems and buttons and clasps, as the back of Kelsey’s legs hits her bed sooner than she thinks and she falls backwards with a laugh, as YB pushes her hair back away from her face and kisses her again, hotter, deeper.

She doesn’t fully know what she’s doing. Neither of them do. It’s a haze of discovering, figuring things out. Of ticklish giggles giving way to sudden gasps. Murmured “is this okay’s” and “I’ve got you’s”. A sea of whimpers and “Right there” and sighs and “Yes” and moans and “GOD your mouth”. Fingers tangling into hair, pushing into heat, clutching at bedsheets. Lips mouthing at curves, lingering at necks, brushing over inner thigh, waiting for the strangled desperate “Please”, tasting every inch. Toes curling, backs arching, falling back against pillows, sweaty and sated and shaking.

Kelsey could never have dreamed—HAS never dreamed—anything as good as this.

Her hands finally still as the last remnants of her orgasm ebb out of her. Heart finally calms as she lays back, eyes closed, smiling at the feeling of YB trailing soft wet kisses up her body. She opens her eyes, reaches up to cup YB’s face, run a thumb over her lips, smile up at her.

“I love you,” she says again (for the many-eth time that night, never enough, playing catch-up for all the times she hasn’t said it). YB turns her head to kiss Kelsey’s palm, nip at her thumb.

“I love you,” YB echoes, curling up against Kelsey, kissing her softly.

***

Whatever Kelsey could have expected from “Simulacra”…it wasn’t this.

But she’s grateful for it.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated.


End file.
